The contrast between chemistry and compatibility is one of the central themes of Llop’s book "Fuck him. You deserve better."
What is the difference between attraction and compatibility? Specialist informs you about what it feels like to have chemistry and what couples usually do when they are really attracted or when they are only compatible but there is nothing more than that.
Feeling a strong attraction to someone does not always correlate with being compatible with that person. An expert psychology in love relationships explains how we can avoid being dragged down by ‘hormonal chemistry’ and clouding our common sense and recognizing signs of authentic compatibility
Have you ever been with someone who made you flutter a thousand butterflies in your stomach? Have you felt such an incredible connection with another person you hardly knew, that it made you think that you had the great love of your life in front of you?
"When you have great ‘chemistry’ with someone, that is, the feeling of having a deep affinity or a special connection, you throw away common sense," says the psychologist, expert in Emotional Intelligence and master’s degree in Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP ), Silvia Llop.
And when you lose common sense, "that makes it much easier for you to ignore all the signs that that person is not for you, although you cannot realize it," according to Llop, called ‘the Psychologist of Love’ when she specializes in helping people who feel ready to turn their love life around, take charge of their lives and find love.
“Getting carried away with ‘chemistry’ can lead you to ignore three dangerous realities about the person you are starting a relationship with: that they are not trying the least bit to pay attention to you or get involved in their life; that he does not treat you well, that he manipulates you psychologically and deceives or that your personalities are not compatible ”, he points out.
The contrast between chemistry and compatibility is one of the central themes of Llop’s book ‘Send him to hell. You deserve better ‘, which with an irreverent title and language and a lot of humor, offers keys to choose a person who respects and values us and gives us their time, affection and love, and to let go of those who do the opposite.
Is there an effective way to ‘hit the brakes’ and not get carried away by the ‘chemistry’ in a relationship?
‘Hitting the brakes’ can prevent you from enjoying the ride. So the key is to “stay off the gas”, allowing the relationship to move naturally. When you feel intense chemistry, your body asks you to run. You think that you are in front of the love of your life and you have the impulse to burn stages, to reach the goal quickly.
Ideally, give the helm to your head (from time to time). That is the most effective way not to get carried away by chemistry. How can you tell if you are compatible with the other person? The key is to give yourself enough time to be able to evaluate the relationship and get to know the other person in different situations and facets.
Imagine that you are directing a ‘casting’ for the highest grossing film in the world. Wouldn’t you stick with the first actor who looked good? You would need to see him act in different scenes, under various premises and interacting with other characters. Well, the same thing happens in love. You need to give the candidate some time to show himself in various fields and you can get to know him better.
What behaviors, attitudes, or expressions indicate that a person really ‘fits’ you? When someone is compatible with you, you feel that communication flows.
One of the factors that best helps you predict compatibility is the way you, as a couple, deal with conflicts. When a problem appears, a pitched battle should not be started, but the two of you should be able to work together to fix it.
Another aspect to keep in mind is to be able to show your personality. It is about not having to go forward with extreme caution so as not to annoy your partner, or feel that he judges each word that comes out of your mouth or each of your actions. You must be sure that this person is going to support you and love you just the way you are.
And to be even clearer about the level of compatibility between the two …?
It is important to know your own "standards", that is, those things that the other person should give you "yes or yes", so that you feel happy in the long term in a relationship.
If you are a very loving person, it is likely that one of your standards is to receive affection in the form of kisses, hugs or nice words. But if you are with someone who has a cold or surly character, it could indicate a lack of compatibility.
Another example would be the highly independent and detached person. It is likely that one of your standards is that your partner leaves space for you and does not go looking for your attention all the time. If you were with someone who needed to be very close it could indicate a lack of compatibility.
Does the ‘chemistry versus compatibility’ tradeoff affect one gender the same as the other? It is a very human biological factor that affects both sexes and does not understand genders. Bingeing on ‘chemistry’ tends to cloud judgment for both men and women.
That intense feeling is like a drunkenness. You feel a tremendous "high" and it can lead you to act in an unwise way, for example going to live with a person a month after going out together, without giving you enough time to get to know each other.
When the chemistry binge is over, you may find that there are a lot of things in the other person that you don’t like or don’t fit with you, and the relationship ends up breaking down.
What are the risks of getting carried away by ‘chemistry’?
Both men and women make bad decisions without considering compatibility or making sure that the other person has goals similar to yours.
It occurs, for example, when two people start to see each other and one just wants to have fun, without commitment, while the other seeks a serious relationship, one of which involves family meals and trips planned for months ahead.
Or when one wants to have children and the other prefers to have two dogs and four parakeets.
The problem with attending only to chemistry is that you run the risk of thinking "when he falls in love with me, he will change his mind." And so you will spend months or even years, waiting for the miracle, which never occurs.
That is why it is so important to understand the difference between chemistry and compatibility, whether you are a man or a woman. If you understand it, you will likely save yourself a few headaches (and heart).