I am 42 years old and I will tell you all the backpack that I carry on my shoulders. When my mother was 34 years old, with 3 children and many abortions, at the insistence of my sister 16 years older, she decided to have me. He had a marriage of mistreatment and sexual abuse. Before I was born, she started working due to lack of money and wanting to separate.
In the factory where she was employed she met a man with whom she fell in love. She got pregnant with me and told him about the situation. He disappeared. I found out about this when I was 36 years old. My mom doesn’t know whose daughter I am. Because in parallel to that affair she was raped by her husband.
She ends up separating and the coworker never knew anything else. My mom moved in alone with me. My two male brothers stayed with their dad. And my sister got pregnant at 18 and got married.
My mother lived with me alone and prostituted herself. I saw her from a very young age having sex with men. At the age of 4 she met another man who beat her from the beginning. At 6 he began to grope me. But it was just hands on my vagina.
I told my mother about it and she covered it up. Today I call him dad. And I try to ignore those memories, which, although they were few times, hurt me. At 8 my 23-year-old brother passed away. It was a shot in a very confused fight with my other brother. They were raised in the violence of a very authoritarian father. All that was covered too.
Despite that, my other brother continued to live with his father. My mom and stepfather bought a house where my sister, her husband and daughters shared the property.
On the day of the birth of my third nephew, my brother-in-law wanted to kiss me and he touched my breast. Although I was 14 years old, I was able to stop it. He asked me not to say anything and I did. I only cried and hid for years in loose clothing because I saw his gaze on me, on my body.
I started sexually at 19 with a short and bad experience, although it was not traumatic. At 23 I got engaged to a boy I had known since I was 18. He was the love of my life and he gave me two beautiful children.
At 35 he committed suicide. He left me with the 6-year-old boy and the 4-year-old girl. His parents took everything from me. They left me in the street with the boys. They blamed me for what happened. I enlisted the help of my parents, sister, and brother-in-law. They gave me a place to live with them. The coexistence was terrible. I got to bring out the worst in me. And I told my mom all the things I kept from my childhood.
Recently a widow, I needed my brother-in-law to transfer the children to school. He did not take long to insinuate himself and want to spend with me. It was the third time he had done it. Every time I asked him for help, the guy asked me for something in return. This time I told my mom and I talked about it with him, who asked me for forgiveness.
Since I was a girl I know that my mother also prostituted herself with my brother-in-law. That’s why he covered mine and never told my sister. Today I live alone with my two children. I never became a couple again. I feel very lonely. It is difficult for me to make friends and maintain ties.
I miss husband a lot because we were good friends. Only he came with a very strict upbringing and I with all my problems was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I couldn’t help him and he couldn’t help me. It left me more alone than I was.
I take refuge many in my children. But now I am having a hard time because I am afraid to die and that they will be alone.
I hope I have been clear with my story. Hopefully other people can read it and think that they are not alone. We all go through difficult things in life. You just have to put a grain of rice daily of will to continue. Thanks for reading Juan. Nancy
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